I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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