What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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