you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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