Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
