if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
