I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize