Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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