If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize