Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
time to smoke my breakfast
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
