If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
