i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
