if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
