Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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