If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
