Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
