By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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