Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize