do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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