I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
