Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
