Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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