Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
