I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
