and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I need moral support for this bender
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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