if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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