Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
