Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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