I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
