i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
