it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
