I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he's gonorrhea incarnate
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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