shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
