Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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