Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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