K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Green mimosas i think yes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
