im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
