Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
