I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
