Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
