What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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