When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
