if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
