i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
