he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
