Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He passed out mid-signature
It was like getting head from an anaconda
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize