A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
