he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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