What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
