I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
