I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
