AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
