I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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