I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
