yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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