I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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