can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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