There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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