Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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