I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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