Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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