Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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